Your Mother Thinks You’re Ninja
You learned long ago that this whole thing–this pot roast-sized baby who turned into a glimpse of forehead in an Harry Potter book, who turned into a a dishtowel snapper on three, then two, and soon enough four wheels–is not yours to hold at all.  It has taken 13 or 16 years to get it.  They never were. [More]
Once Upon a Time There Were a Billion Peasants
I will be there with Will and Kate, in the land of King Arthur and Triffids, fretting over who is babysitting Sir Elton’s newborn and what he pays per hour. [More]
Visualise Whirled Peas
Maybe God is Bart Simpson after all. Someone must have decided that snark trumps sentiment, truly the dirtiest word of our times. Just rent “It’s a Wonderful Life” and tell me what Darwinian forces have devolved us away from an unshaven Jimmy Stewart exclaiming, “ZuZu’s petals! By God, it’s ZuZu’s petals!” [More]
Only Marge Simpson Can Save Womankind
Alexander McQueen is showing 25-centimeter high heels this season that look like teapots balanced on their side. The US Republican committee recently put out a straight-faced press release saying Congressional Speaker Nancy Pelosi needs to be “put in her place”. This is our transformation into sexual equality? Brides can now buy a $30 fake hymen kit for their wedding night.  [More]
Haere Mai, Haere Mai
There were some things new immigrants to New Zealand shouldn’t have to endure; Pink Lamingtons, the phrase “we punch above our weight”, Santa in togs, insular politics, and that yeasty nuclear sludge you put on innocent children’s sandwiches that is obviously the source of this country’s domestic violence problem. I’d hit somebody, too, if someone wrecked my toast with that stuff every damned morning.  [More]
Party On Reductionistas!
I am a Reductionist. That is the faith that everything most important in life –the things that will flash before your eyes when your rubber-band-sized commuter plane is nose-diving into your neighbour’s garage– happen in less than two-minute moments.  [More]
The Depth and Grace of that ‘Stupid Stomp’
I’m pretty sure the All Blacks are All Gay. No straight man ever looks that good in shorts. It’s God’s little revenge on heterosexual women for the apple thing. First he smote us with that, then He made women believe scrapbooking is an actual hobby. We’ve never recovered as a sex since. [More]
Old Playboys Never Die; They Just Turn Into Reality TV
“Oh. My. Gawd. Did you see those?” I point at the blonde with two floatation devices surgically affixed to a teeny tank top bobbling across my television screen. Trust me, when the words “Playboy” and “reality” collide– be very afraid.  [More]
The Future, Not According to Me
I’m a dinosaur in the making. I can just smell the obsolescence on my breath. I am Windows to a future of Linux. I am a video store to a world of TiVo. And that’s the good news. [More]
I’m Penelope Cruz’ Little Sister, I Swear
“Ya know,” I said, pulling my nose away from a picture of French President Sarkosky and his gorgeous new wife Carla Bruni, gazing at each other with barely restrained Euro-lust, “I look a lot like her.” “Mm-hmm,” my partner mumbled into his newspaper. I might as well have announced nuclear winter was upon us.  [More]
Celebrate Barbie in a Blender Day
The problem with this country is that nobody celebrates Barbie in A Blender Day.  Only the Barbie in a Blender Day web site can answer so beautifully, “Will this damage my blender or void my warranty?” and my favourite that doesn’t seem to lend itself to reply, “I prefer the clean, crisp slices of Barbie-in-a-food-processor.”  [More]
Merge like a Zip
Merge Like A Zip
“What’s wrong with you people?” I secretly demand of my bloke behind closed doors at night. “Why don’t you murder a few more people per capita, or consider invading Tonga for its shell jewellery resources, or try selling a toasted cheese sandwich with a picture of the Madonna grilled onto it on E-Bay for $22,000 like my people would?” [More]